C.H. Armstrong Books

My family and friends are so completely bizarre that I could probably fill an entire book with the goofy things that pop out of their mouths. In most cases, they’re not trying to be funny…they just are funny. For example, just this week my son had a play date with the little boy down the street. The child hadn’t been in our home for a full five minutes when I heard him say to Braden, “Oh wow! This toilet looks exactly like the one we have at home!” Amazing! Whodathunkit!

Over the last couple of years, I’ve started compiling a few of these little funnies to save for posterity. Today, I’ll share a few of them with you. Enjoy!

Mommy Needs More Adult Interaction!

Being a Full-Time Stay-at-Home-Mom, sometimes I forget how to converse with adults. This became a bit embarrassing recently when I had to call the electric company to report a power outage at our home. As I thanked the dispatcher on the phone, I caught both of us a bit off-guard when I said to him. “Thanks so much! Night-night!”

To his credit, he was able to stifle most of his laughter as he responded, “And Nighty-night to you as well!”

I can’t help but wonder if Michelle Duggar has days like this…

Out of the Mouths of Babes…

A couple of summers ago, a very dear friend came to visit. We’d not seen each other in years, and she brought with her both of her boys and several of her nieces and nephews. From the other room, I heard my son (then 5) explaining to the children that they weren’t allowed to sit in Mommy’s and Daddy’s chairs. This was a rule we had for our own children because they liked to abuse the furniture, but we never intended the rule to extend to our guests!

“You can’t sit on those two chairs,” Braden said as he pointed to my and Troy’s chairs. “Nobody’s allowed to sit on those two chairs!”

“Why” asked 5-year old Ebb.

“Cuz they’re my mommy’s and daddy’s chairs,” Braden responded.

“Oh,” said Ebb. “Why are they so big?”

“Cuz they have big butts,” Braden answered without missing a beat.

Sittin’ on a Goldmine

14-year old Amber was trying to find creative ways to make money. As a result, she decided she was ready to let go of her huge collection of Beanie Babies that her grandmother had so graciously given to her over the years. She did a quick search on eBay to see how much they might be worth and was beside herself with excitement at what she discovered.

“OH MY GOSH! My Beanie Babies are RARE!” Amber exclaimed.

“Oh yeah?” I asked. “Which one?”

“This one…the 1999 Graduation Owl!”

“That’s great!” I said. “How much is it worth?

“A PENNY!”

Excuses, Excuses…

Kids will find any excuse not to go to bed at night. Recently 7-year old Braden came into my room (for about the 40th time that same evening) after I’d put him to bed that night. I was ready to unleash the Mother’s Wrath on him when he pulled at my heartstrings by saying, “I’m gonna miss you, Mommy!”

“I’m not going anywhere, Sweetheart,” I responded.

“No, but I am.”

“Where are you going?” I asked with confusion.

“To college. It’s a long way away and I’m going to miss you.”

So much for my being sympathetic. Go to bed already! We can talk about it again in another 11 years, I thought to myself.

And My All-Time Favorite…

At a recent Mother’s Day musical performance at my church, the Varsity Bells Director asked all the mothers in the room to please stand so that they could be recognized on this special day dedicated to mothers. He gave a very short speech and ended it with, “These moms need to be spanked.”

The silence in the room was deafening. After a moment, it became clear by the expression on his face – not to mention the congregation’s laughter – that what he meant to say was “These moms need to be thanked.” Freudian slip, maybe?